God is holding me

December 18 2017

Lately, I haven’t had much time to write down my dreams. However, I am compelled to write this one down.

I was inside a house. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry. I said hi to one of my Ates (older sister) from the church.

I saw my parents down the hall. Suddenly, a tornado violently tore the roof of the house and I could see it swirling in the dark, gray sky. Everyone in the house cried, as they desperately furrowed their heads under furniture.

My Ate and I hid under the bathroom sink, as we panicked at the last minute. As my eyes met the tornado, I prayed aloud, “God, please protect us.” The tornado vanished.

I think God is still showing me that He’s working. From the smallest ways, behind the scenes, in everything, to the biggest storms, He’s working. He’s never stopped working. In real life, I haven’t been as strong in my faith… but in my dream, He’s speaking to me. He’s revealing to me that in spite of all the storms, troubles, and worries, He’s always holding on to and protecting me and those I love.

This dream depicts an even greater work of God, having an entire tornado disappear… He will and is capable of doing greater things, because He is God. I need to put my all of faith and trust in Him again.

From the smallest to the biggest things, I need to remember that my whole life is in His hands. It’s going to be okay, because God is holding me.


Entering Rest

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭116:3-9, 13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

40 days and 40 nights

Can you imagine spending 40 days and 40 nights all by yourself? Can you imagine walking 40 days and 40 nights in the desert? What might run through your mind, as you trudge through barren sand, starving? 

Elijah walked though it. Jesus walked through it. 

Personally, I really can’t imagine what a ridiculous and dangerous journey that would be. But have you experienced emotional droughts… all by yourself? Have you ever locked yourself in your room and avoided the outside world? 

If I’m sounding dark, it’s because I intend to. I’m sure at some point, we have all experienced our spiritual rock bottoms, when we can’t fall or sink any deeper. Most of the time, we hide behind smiles because we’re afraid of vulnerability.

I finally had a breakthrough. I won’t go into specifics, but God finally answered my long time prayers!! I can’t say that I finally reached the perfect place where I reached total satisfaction. That is fatal, because there will never be entire satisfaction in the world, no matter how much fame, money, and glory you obtain. 

You will only find satisfaction in Christ alone. *mic drop* ❤

colorful faith

I need your help, Lord

Not to see life

In black and white 

But to see everything

With color and grace 

Would you lift up my heart

So my eyes would gaze 

With a fiery faith 

Remind me of who I am 

A child born from grace 

I am forgiven, unashamed

Ordained and called by name 

New Vocabulary Word: Trichotillomania

*trigger warning – sort of* 

So after careful and thorough research, I realized and easily diagnosed for myself: 
I struggle with Trichotillomania (trich for short).

Now, before you laugh and say, “What’s that? That’s sounds fake and made up,” please Google it. 

Trichotillomania is the “compulsive desire to pull out one’s hair.”

I struggled with this for years, on and off. Usually, when my hair grew longer, I would obsess over pulling off split ends… which probably led to more split ends. 

Sometimes, I succeeded going by months without pulling- but then something would cause me to fall back into it. I thought trich was just a gross, disgusting habit… until I researched it online and learned that many people suffer from it. They try so hard to quit, but can’t. 

Some women (and men!) who suffer from trich end up with bald spots and are shamed by their family and peers. Some people pull from their head, eyelashes, eyebrows, and even body hair. Some people may even find it relaxing to do, in midst of their anxiety. People who have trich know how addicting it is. They want to stop, but can’t. They end up feeling so frustrated. 

I, on the other hand, break between my strands of hair. I don’t pull from the root, but sometimes, the entire strand snags from the top. Trich is a menacing thing. I notice that when I recently get haircuts, I momentarily stop… until my hair grows long enough for split ends again. 

I don’t know what to do. There is no point to this post, no solution to trich. Perhaps, I am writing to raise awareness on trich. If you share the same struggle, message me. Maybe we can try to find ways to combat trich, together

I should probably get a haircut soon. 

The fight: happiness vs. sadness

Do you ever feel so alone? Like the enemy is just laughing at you and in your isolation, you’re fighting against your demons? 

In my daily struggle, it takes more efforts to stay “happy” than to be discouraged and sad- just like it takes more efforts to succeed than fail. 

Maybe it’s because simple happiness isn’t all I’m after. Maybe my soul longs for something deeper that this world can’t satisfy. It’s hard when it feels like God is so far away. 

I’m so vulnerable in my own skin. I need that armor to protect me again. I need that sword to fight with again. Lord, please come save me again. 😞