Help me to remember…

I’ve been in and out with being down. I was questioning, what does it really mean to surrender everything to God? How do you know when you’ve given everything to Him or if you’re still holding anything back? 

I think in my situation, when I am still anxious, afraid, and doubtful, I haven’t surrendered everything yet… so I asked God last night… 

Help me to remember how good You are. Help me to remember all the times You had my back and helped me to overcome my trials and fears. 

I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

When we overcome, we don’t just survive. We achieve something something greater than we could ever measure for ourselves. Surrender everything. Have faith. It’s easier said than done. 

I realized last night… I can’t have faith on my own. I need to ask God to give me the kind of faith it takes to believe and trust in Him.


Today, I was walking and met a new friend. Isn’t this cat the cutest?! Usually stray cats run away from me. Not this fella. It really put me in a good mood. ❤

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September 8, 2017: 

11:24pm 

I felt a heaviness undeniably upon me, as I laid down in bed, after returning home from a Friday night youth gathering. I felt like a still stone during worship, as everyone “hyped up” for Jesus. Finally, in the silence and solitude in my own room, I couldn’t help fight the feeling, but cry. 

I could have held it in… I held it in this entire week… but the pain was too intense. So I let myself cry… to release the tension.

I flipped between Matthew 11:28, Matthew 18:19, Matthew 21:22 (the verses reviewed earlier at youth), then flipped into Lamentations 3 and back to Psalms. 

Tonight, at the youth gathering, someone kept talking about  F A I T H  and really emphasizing the power in having faith… something I feel like I haven’t been embracing in a while. 

“You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” Matthew 21:22 

I had too many doubts. I surrendered to negativity, instead of surrendering my brokenness to God. For the longest time, I felt like I was drowning in disbelief. 

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

I desperately picked up my old bible, because it already had so many markings and highlights… references that wouldn’t be easily found in my brand new, barely marked bible. 

My old bible felt like an old friend. It was warm and familiar. It was the very bible that got me through high school… I remember how much more devoted I used to be in daily reading of scripture and constantly meditating on God. 

My depression really has me deep in tonight. I couldn’t deny the emotional bondage. I prayed again on my knees. This time, I begged God, “Pull me closer to Your heart, because I desperately need You. If this is where You want me, if this is what it’s going to take to get me close to You again, let it be.” 

September 9, 2016: 

Now it’s 12:16am. I will try to go to sleep. 

Comfort for the Depressed Christian

1 Kings 19:1-18 happens to be one of my favorite passages in scriptures. I love the depths of rawness, vulnerability, and honesty portrayed here. Elijah, the prophet was fleeing from Queen Jezebel, who threatened to kill him.

Elijah journeys deep into the wilderness. There, he gives up:

…And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” 1 Kings 19:4 

I understand this from a personal, empathetic point of view. Many times, I have been strongly compelled to surrender. I have been struggling with depression for a long time. I lost the meaning of life and asked God so many times, to take away my life too… I asked and prayed [in vain] not to wake up the next morning. So when Elijah said that… it really hit home for me. I can understand the weight of his pain [even though I don’t have an evil Queen chasing after my blood and life].

I really love what happens next:

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
1 Kings 19:5-8

God did not judge or condemn Elijah for wanting to take out his life. He didn’t say, “How dare you want to take out your life? Do you know how hard I worked to get you here? You want just throw your life away just like that?”

No. No judgement. Instead, God allowed him to rest under the broom tree and gave him food to eat and water to drink… in the middle of the wilderness. I find a lot of compassion and gentleness there.

When God finally speaks to Elijah, He didn’t need a grand entrance to make a point. God didn’t need to speak in the winds, the earthquakes, or fire. All God spoke with, was a gentle whisper. He spoke to Elijah as he hid in the cave.

And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” 1 Kings 19:11-13

I don’t know where you are in life. I know oftentimes, it’s hard to believe it, but God sees and knows our pain. Just as the gospel shows, Jesus walked through life and death for us (that will be for another post someday). Elijah was extremely weak and fragile in that moment… God let him rest, eat, and drink water. When the time came, God whispered to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

God will go extra miles to meet us where we are, because He loves us that much.

I know that depression and wanting to end life are never light discussions. I don’t even have all the answers myself. Every now and then, I still have my struggles and doubts. Tonight, I just wanted to reflect on this famous passage. I haven’t perfectly come to the place where I can say, “I’ve made it, everyone. I’ve 100% overcome depression. I’m living life completely trouble free and I found the answers, secret formula, and cure for it. So here’s how to defeat it…”

I wish I could tell you. I don’t know where you stand right now, whether you are struggling to get through life or if you are actually doing really great. I just want you to know that you are loved and that you are not alone. Especially, if you are suffering from depression, please don’t let yourself go through it alone. You have been strong for a long time. I know that it is scary to open up and reach out, but I implore you to find some trustworthy friends and loved ones who you can confide in. It’s even scarier to fight your demons in darkness all by yourself. Please don’t do that to yourself. You can also reach me via the contact page (on top of this webpage).

You are loved. You are valued. You are worth more than gold. You are God’s creation. You were created for a purpose and meaning. Every breath you breathe and every pump of blood that flows through your heart is a gift. Say this to yourself. Say it out loud, again and again. Declare it. Believe it. Stand firm on it.

Light and Darkness

Touch the moon on my toes
Feel the sun’s warmth on my skin
Miles and miles of galaxies
Behold the existence and matter
Of serenities and catastrophes

Light and darkness
Meet at the solar eclipse
And the Milky Way
Flows sweeter
Than the words on my lips

The stars illuminate
Brighter than the bare eyes can see
If we could stare
We’d be blinded
By the beauty and starry beams

Telescopes and rocket ships
Mediate between
Earth’s creation and galactic mysteries
To touch, feel, and know beyond what is seen
Is what we dreamers will always dream

8 years…

I hadn’t realized that it has been 8 years since I’ve known you
I hadn’t realized that it has been 7 years since I last saw you
Bumped into you last year
Bumped into you this year
Perhaps it’s because your name is common
That I see it everywhere I gaze

I find it funny
For you to circle my mind
And chase my train of thought
They say God works in mysterious ways
Well, so does this life

I realize that I am shy and timid
I am far from brave
I hope that you are doing well though
Brother
Keep doing well
May God bless you wherever you go
And wherever He leads you

I’m far too shy for small talk
I’m too scared to reach out
Maybe because I am no stranger
To rejection

This may (just) be a friendship
I will regret not pursuing
And if small talk is all there is
I have nothing to lose

But I hide behind every excuse
As if it’s better for me not to say a word
I’m too busy, not this time
I’m fine

Is it such a coincidence
That I see your name
Everywhere I gaze?

The most common thing that
I regret most in my life
Is to feel at all

And to suddenly want to connect
With someone who
I lost touch with all these years

Be well, brother
Be well
God bless you
Wherever you go

Have a Good Summer Too

You are a mystery
A long lost puzzle piece
That goes with this board game
Called life
You are as intricate as
A garden maze

I wish I could decipher
Your mind like Morse code
And speak the language
That you breathe
But I can’t find the door to
Your mind and heart
You are a mystery
That I wish to open and discover
The day that you came into my life
As one of the world’s seven wonders

I am no detective
Or investigator
But I am a dreamer
So I will ponder of your mystery
Your mystery does not frustrate me
But makes me smile
So long for now…
I hope that you
Have a good summer too

Take Me Into Your Ark

My tears rain faster
Than the world’s 40 day flood
I am drenched
In my agony
Deeper than the sea

Sorrowful
Painful
Tears
Quench
The desert land
Fill up an ocean
That drowns
The salty sand

I will not survive
The flood
Without the ark
That God had built
Through his servant
And planned
There is no escape for me
No disembark
To flee the flood

I’ve got a plank
But no back up plan
I won’t stay afloat and
I can’t hold on any longer
With the tides pushing stronger

Will you save me?
Will you take me into the ark?
Will you take me into your arms?
I’m drowning and I’m weak
I need your support
I need your saving

You, creator of creation
Whose voice and hands
Send down the rain
Can you deliver me from my pain?

My brain torments me both day and night
I am flooded by my own troubling mind
Rescue me
Take me into your ark
Save me from the blinding dark
Take me into your arms
Save me forever, God