God is holding me

December 18 2017

Lately, I haven’t had much time to write down my dreams. However, I am compelled to write this one down.

I was inside a house. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry. I said hi to one of my Ates (older sister) from the church.

I saw my parents down the hall. Suddenly, a tornado violently tore the roof of the house and I could see it swirling in the dark, gray sky. Everyone in the house cried, as they desperately furrowed their heads under furniture.

My Ate and I hid under the bathroom sink, as we panicked at the last minute. As my eyes met the tornado, I prayed aloud, “God, please protect us.” The tornado vanished.

I think God is still showing me that He’s working. From the smallest ways, behind the scenes, in everything, to the biggest storms, He’s working. He’s never stopped working. In real life, I haven’t been as strong in my faith… but in my dream, He’s speaking to me. He’s revealing to me that in spite of all the storms, troubles, and worries, He’s always holding on to and protecting me and those I love.

This dream depicts an even greater work of God, having an entire tornado disappear… He will and is capable of doing greater things, because He is God. I need to put my all of faith and trust in Him again.

From the smallest to the biggest things, I need to remember that my whole life is in His hands. It’s going to be okay, because God is holding me.


Entering Rest

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭116:3-9, 13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The fight: happiness vs. sadness

Do you ever feel so alone? Like the enemy is just laughing at you and in your isolation, you’re fighting against your demons? 

In my daily struggle, it takes more efforts to stay “happy” than to be discouraged and sad- just like it takes more efforts to succeed than fail. 

Maybe it’s because simple happiness isn’t all I’m after. Maybe my soul longs for something deeper that this world can’t satisfy. It’s hard when it feels like God is so far away. 

I’m so vulnerable in my own skin. I need that armor to protect me again. I need that sword to fight with again. Lord, please come save me again. 😞

Help me to remember…

I’ve been in and out with being down. I was questioning, what does it really mean to surrender everything to God? How do you know when you’ve given everything to Him or if you’re still holding anything back? 

I think in my situation, when I am still anxious, afraid, and doubtful, I haven’t surrendered everything yet… so I asked God last night… 

Help me to remember how good You are. Help me to remember all the times You had my back and helped me to overcome my trials and fears. 

I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

When we overcome, we don’t just survive. We achieve something something greater than we could ever measure for ourselves. Surrender everything. Have faith. It’s easier said than done. 

I realized last night… I can’t have faith on my own. I need to ask God to give me the kind of faith it takes to believe and trust in Him.

Today, I was walking and met a new friend. Isn’t this cat the cutest?! Usually stray cats run away from me. Not this fella. It really put me in a good mood. ❤

September 8, 2017: 


I felt a heaviness undeniably upon me, as I laid down in bed, after returning home from a Friday night youth gathering. I felt like a still stone during worship, as everyone “hyped up” for Jesus. Finally, in the silence and solitude in my own room, I couldn’t help fight the feeling, but cry. 

I could have held it in… I held it in this entire week… but the pain was too intense. So I let myself cry… to release the tension.

I flipped between Matthew 11:28, Matthew 18:19, Matthew 21:22 (the verses reviewed earlier at youth), then flipped into Lamentations 3 and back to Psalms. 

Tonight, at the youth gathering, someone kept talking about  F A I T H  and really emphasizing the power in having faith… something I feel like I haven’t been embracing in a while. 

“You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” Matthew 21:22 

I had too many doubts. I surrendered to negativity, instead of surrendering my brokenness to God. For the longest time, I felt like I was drowning in disbelief. 

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

I desperately picked up my old bible, because it already had so many markings and highlights… references that wouldn’t be easily found in my brand new, barely marked bible. 

My old bible felt like an old friend. It was warm and familiar. It was the very bible that got me through high school… I remember how much more devoted I used to be in daily reading of scripture and constantly meditating on God. 

My depression really has me deep in tonight. I couldn’t deny the emotional bondage. I prayed again on my knees. This time, I begged God, “Pull me closer to Your heart, because I desperately need You. If this is where You want me, if this is what it’s going to take to get me close to You again, let it be.” 

September 9, 2016: 

Now it’s 12:16am. I will try to go to sleep. 

Comfort for the Depressed Christian

1 Kings 19:1-18 happens to be one of my favorite passages in scriptures. I love the depths of rawness, vulnerability, and honesty portrayed here. Elijah, the prophet was fleeing from Queen Jezebel, who threatened to kill him.

Elijah journeys deep into the wilderness. There, he gives up:

…And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” 1 Kings 19:4 

I understand this from a personal, empathetic point of view. Many times, I have been strongly compelled to surrender. I have been struggling with depression for a long time. I lost the meaning of life and asked God so many times, to take away my life too… I asked and prayed [in vain] not to wake up the next morning. So when Elijah said that… it really hit home for me. I can understand the weight of his pain [even though I don’t have an evil Queen chasing after my blood and life].

I really love what happens next:

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
1 Kings 19:5-8

God did not judge or condemn Elijah for wanting to take out his life. He didn’t say, “How dare you want to take out your life? Do you know how hard I worked to get you here? You want just throw your life away just like that?”

No. No judgement. Instead, God allowed him to rest under the broom tree and gave him food to eat and water to drink… in the middle of the wilderness. I find a lot of compassion and gentleness there.

When God finally speaks to Elijah, He didn’t need a grand entrance to make a point. God didn’t need to speak in the winds, the earthquakes, or fire. All God spoke with, was a gentle whisper. He spoke to Elijah as he hid in the cave.

And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” 1 Kings 19:11-13

I don’t know where you are in life. I know oftentimes, it’s hard to believe it, but God sees and knows our pain. Just as the gospel shows, Jesus walked through life and death for us (that will be for another post someday). Elijah was extremely weak and fragile in that moment… God let him rest, eat, and drink water. When the time came, God whispered to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

God will go extra miles to meet us where we are, because He loves us that much.

I know that depression and wanting to end life are never light discussions. I don’t even have all the answers myself. Every now and then, I still have my struggles and doubts. Tonight, I just wanted to reflect on this famous passage. I haven’t perfectly come to the place where I can say, “I’ve made it, everyone. I’ve 100% overcome depression. I’m living life completely trouble free and I found the answers, secret formula, and cure for it. So here’s how to defeat it…”

I wish I could tell you. I don’t know where you stand right now, whether you are struggling to get through life or if you are actually doing really great. I just want you to know that you are loved and that you are not alone. Especially, if you are suffering from depression, please don’t let yourself go through it alone. You have been strong for a long time. I know that it is scary to open up and reach out, but I implore you to find some trustworthy friends and loved ones who you can confide in. It’s even scarier to fight your demons in darkness all by yourself. Please don’t do that to yourself. You can also reach me via the contact page (on top of this webpage).

You are loved. You are valued. You are worth more than gold. You are God’s creation. You were created for a purpose and meaning. Every breath you breathe and every pump of blood that flows through your heart is a gift. Say this to yourself. Say it out loud, again and again. Declare it. Believe it. Stand firm on it.

He Is Risen!

Easter will always be more than just an annual holiday for me. Easter goes deeper beyond the Easter egg hunt and bunnies (although they’re very irrelevant lol). Easter… just like Christmas comes by yearly and marks a significant reminder for my soul. As someone who struggles with depression… it’s a daily tackle to remind myself the JOY that comes in the gospel (the story of Jesus).

A Muslim friend asked me yesterday, “Easter is tomorrow! Are you excited?” I was taken aback by her question. She acknowledged that this is indeed an exciting time, yet I lost my enthusiasm overtime.

To think that God came down in human form, empathetically walked my shoes in human life, and paid the ultimate sacrifice right on the cross… is something I always need to process the depths of everyday (If you want to discuss this or have questions about life and God, message me. I’d love to talk!). I never deserved this grace. I could never work for it or earn it. This is God’s love.

I think I’m honestly just experiencing a dry season right now. Life is messy. Senior year is stressful. All the more, I need to rely on God. I only share this because it’s unhealthy to bottle it in and we are to boast in our weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9).

I NEED daily reminders to process it in my head… that God loves me… that Jesus lived an exceptional example, died on the cross, and resurrected 3 days after for me and YOU. God is so gracious.

I encourage and implore you: don’t give up on faith. If you feel like you have nothing left to hold on to, God is still holding on to you. If you cannot feel Him, I PROMISE you that He is still there! In the gospel, when the disciples mourned for Jesus’s death, they walked on the road to Emmaus. They were so troubled, they could not recognize Jesus walking by their side ’til they sat down at the table and broke bread! (Luke 24) I promise you, God will never give up on you. The gospel is alive and well and Christianity exists today because Jesus lives and has risen. No matter what Easter means to you, I hope that you will never miss out on the gospel, the greatest love story of all time, and the greatest news you’ll ever hear!

Jesus is risen! He is risen, indeed!