Dear God, You have all of my heart

My heart breaks a little on the inside. Sometimes, life throws unexpected surprises at you and they’re not always the happy kind. If you read the story of Samson and Delilah (Judges 16), then you know how much trouble Delilah was for Samson. It came to a point where he was not only robbed of his strength, but he was taken prisoner, chained, publicly humiliated, and gouged of his eyes! Talk about a love story gone bad. But it’s not only the physical aspects that he lost… he lost the most important thing in his life: the Spirit and presence of God used to be with him… until he gave into Delilah. Then God left him. Imagine the most important thing in your life, completely gone from the grasp of your fingertips. There is serious danger in being unequally yoked.

For the longest time, I’ve been very content. I’m happy in my singleness. Then something crazy happened. A “Delilah” came along… now, I have to choose between Delilah and God. I, of course, choose God. There’s no question or competition. However, I am still human. Sometimes, choosing to do the right thing can hurt first in the moment, but I also know that if I choose to do the wrong thing, it will hurt me even more. So now, I am taking my time.

I have never been more determined in my life to stay focused on constant prayer and the reading of scripture than now. I believe God has a purpose in this situation. He is pruning me and forcing me to grow in places where it will hurt for a moment, but it will be worth it. “No pain, no gain”, right?

Because I was so content in my singleness, I was not very prayerful for my future love life, my personal growth (to become an appropriate Proverbs 31 wife), and my future spouse. But now, because there is an obstacle and temptation standing in my way (which could potentially hurt my relationship with God), I have to pray.

I am praying for my Boaz to someday come. Someday, I will be ready to be his Ruth. But until then and always, I will stay dedicated to growing my relationship with Jesus. At the end of the day, single or not, God still needs to come first. He is the most important and beloved one in my life. He deserves all my praise, worship, and obedience.

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Devotions

 

So to be honest, I’ve been struggling to consistently read the “read the entire bible in 1 year” plan since 2016.

This is my third attempt (haha).

I know reading God’s word daily is crucial to constantly build and maintain a growing relationship with Him. What better way is there for us to get to know our Father? I realize reading God’s word not only takes discipline (effort driven), but also constant prayer (spirit and communication driven).

A relationship is a 2 way street and so is communication. So if we want to have a flourishing relationship with Christ, we need to seek and desire Him daily.

The more I pray daily, “God please open up my heart and mind to Your word,” the easier it becomes to read it.

Side note: God named a place “Roll” in Hebrew. Isn’t that CUTE or what?!?! lol

God is holding me

December 18 2017

Lately, I haven’t had much time to write down my dreams. However, I am compelled to write this one down.

I was inside a house. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry. I said hi to one of my Ates (older sister) from the church.

I saw my parents down the hall. Suddenly, a tornado violently tore the roof of the house and I could see it swirling in the dark, gray sky. Everyone in the house cried, as they desperately furrowed their heads under furniture.

My Ate and I hid under the bathroom sink, as we panicked at the last minute. As my eyes met the tornado, I prayed aloud, “God, please protect us.” The tornado vanished.

I think God is still showing me that He’s working. From the smallest ways, behind the scenes, in everything, to the biggest storms, He’s working. He’s never stopped working. In real life, I haven’t been as strong in my faith… but in my dream, He’s speaking to me. He’s revealing to me that in spite of all the storms, troubles, and worries, He’s always holding on to and protecting me and those I love.

This dream depicts an even greater work of God, having an entire tornado disappear… He will and is capable of doing greater things, because He is God. I need to put my all of faith and trust in Him again.

From the smallest to the biggest things, I need to remember that my whole life is in His hands. It’s going to be okay, because God is holding me.

Entering Rest

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭116:3-9, 13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The fight: happiness vs. sadness

Do you ever feel so alone? Like the enemy is just laughing at you and in your isolation, you’re fighting against your demons? 

In my daily struggle, it takes more efforts to stay “happy” than to be discouraged and sad- just like it takes more efforts to succeed than fail. 

Maybe it’s because simple happiness isn’t all I’m after. Maybe my soul longs for something deeper that this world can’t satisfy. It’s hard when it feels like God is so far away. 

I’m so vulnerable in my own skin. I need that armor to protect me again. I need that sword to fight with again. Lord, please come save me again. 😞

Help me to remember…

I’ve been in and out with being down. I was questioning, what does it really mean to surrender everything to God? How do you know when you’ve given everything to Him or if you’re still holding anything back? 

I think in my situation, when I am still anxious, afraid, and doubtful, I haven’t surrendered everything yet… so I asked God last night… 

Help me to remember how good You are. Help me to remember all the times You had my back and helped me to overcome my trials and fears. 

I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

When we overcome, we don’t just survive. We achieve something something greater than we could ever measure for ourselves. Surrender everything. Have faith. It’s easier said than done. 

I realized last night… I can’t have faith on my own. I need to ask God to give me the kind of faith it takes to believe and trust in Him.


Today, I was walking and met a new friend. Isn’t this cat the cutest?! Usually stray cats run away from me. Not this fella. It really put me in a good mood. ❤

September 8, 2017: 

11:24pm 

I felt a heaviness undeniably upon me, as I laid down in bed, after returning home from a Friday night youth gathering. I felt like a still stone during worship, as everyone “hyped up” for Jesus. Finally, in the silence and solitude in my own room, I couldn’t help fight the feeling, but cry. 

I could have held it in… I held it in this entire week… but the pain was too intense. So I let myself cry… to release the tension.

I flipped between Matthew 11:28, Matthew 18:19, Matthew 21:22 (the verses reviewed earlier at youth), then flipped into Lamentations 3 and back to Psalms. 

Tonight, at the youth gathering, someone kept talking about  F A I T H  and really emphasizing the power in having faith… something I feel like I haven’t been embracing in a while. 

“You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” Matthew 21:22 

I had too many doubts. I surrendered to negativity, instead of surrendering my brokenness to God. For the longest time, I felt like I was drowning in disbelief. 

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

I desperately picked up my old bible, because it already had so many markings and highlights… references that wouldn’t be easily found in my brand new, barely marked bible. 

My old bible felt like an old friend. It was warm and familiar. It was the very bible that got me through high school… I remember how much more devoted I used to be in daily reading of scripture and constantly meditating on God. 

My depression really has me deep in tonight. I couldn’t deny the emotional bondage. I prayed again on my knees. This time, I begged God, “Pull me closer to Your heart, because I desperately need You. If this is where You want me, if this is what it’s going to take to get me close to You again, let it be.” 

September 9, 2016: 

Now it’s 12:16am. I will try to go to sleep.