Entering Rest

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭116:3-9, 13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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40 days and 40 nights

Can you imagine spending 40 days and 40 nights all by yourself? Can you imagine walking 40 days and 40 nights in the desert? What might run through your mind, as you trudge through barren sand, starving? 

Elijah walked though it. Jesus walked through it. 

Personally, I really can’t imagine what a ridiculous and dangerous journey that would be. But have you experienced emotional droughts… all by yourself? Have you ever locked yourself in your room and avoided the outside world? 

If I’m sounding dark, it’s because I intend to. I’m sure at some point, we have all experienced our spiritual rock bottoms, when we can’t fall or sink any deeper. Most of the time, we hide behind smiles because we’re afraid of vulnerability.

I finally had a breakthrough. I won’t go into specifics, but God finally answered my long time prayers!! I can’t say that I finally reached the perfect place where I reached total satisfaction. That is fatal, because there will never be entire satisfaction in the world, no matter how much fame, money, and glory you obtain. 

You will only find satisfaction in Christ alone. *mic drop* ❤

colorful faith

I need your help, Lord

Not to see life

In black and white 

But to see everything

With color and grace 

Would you lift up my heart

So my eyes would gaze 

With a fiery faith 

Remind me of who I am 

A child born from grace 

I am forgiven, unashamed

Ordained and called by name 

New Vocabulary Word: Trichotillomania


*trigger warning – sort of* 

So after careful and thorough research, I realized and easily diagnosed for myself: 
I struggle with Trichotillomania (trich for short).

Now, before you laugh and say, “What’s that? That’s sounds fake and made up,” please Google it. 

Trichotillomania is the “compulsive desire to pull out one’s hair.”

I struggled with this for years, on and off. Usually, when my hair grew longer, I would obsess over pulling off split ends… which probably led to more split ends. 

Sometimes, I succeeded going by months without pulling- but then something would cause me to fall back into it. I thought trich was just a gross, disgusting habit… until I researched it online and learned that many people suffer from it. They try so hard to quit, but can’t. 

Some women (and men!) who suffer from trich end up with bald spots and are shamed by their family and peers. Some people pull from their head, eyelashes, eyebrows, and even body hair. Some people may even find it relaxing to do, in midst of their anxiety. People who have trich know how addicting it is. They want to stop, but can’t. They end up feeling so frustrated. 

I, on the other hand, break between my strands of hair. I don’t pull from the root, but sometimes, the entire strand snags from the top. Trich is a menacing thing. I notice that when I recently get haircuts, I momentarily stop… until my hair grows long enough for split ends again. 

I don’t know what to do. There is no point to this post, no solution to trich. Perhaps, I am writing to raise awareness on trich. If you share the same struggle, message me. Maybe we can try to find ways to combat trich, together

I should probably get a haircut soon. 

The fight: happiness vs. sadness

Do you ever feel so alone? Like the enemy is just laughing at you and in your isolation, you’re fighting against your demons? 

In my daily struggle, it takes more efforts to stay “happy” than to be discouraged and sad- just like it takes more efforts to succeed than fail. 

Maybe it’s because simple happiness isn’t all I’m after. Maybe my soul longs for something deeper that this world can’t satisfy. It’s hard when it feels like God is so far away. 

I’m so vulnerable in my own skin. I need that armor to protect me again. I need that sword to fight with again. Lord, please come save me again. 😞

Survivor

You’ve never felt heaviness
As heavy as this
You’ve never known darkness
As dark as this
You’ve never seen blindness
Quite like this
You’ve never cried tears
As bad as this

You thought you knew sorrow
You thought you knew pain
But nothing is darker
In comparison to this
Nothing is the same

You know what it’s like
To stand on higher ground
To have hope and freedom
Where peace and joy is found

You know what’s like
To fall down
To have everything
And to lose it all

So what do you do
After the stumble and fall?
Isn’t the only way
To get back up again?

What could be lower than low?
Where could you fall after
Falling to the ground?
Can’t you rediscover
What it means to be found?

What is it like
To be grounded in the Word?
Rather than being grounded
In piles of dirt?

Where can you place your worth?
When you’re too fixated by the
Gravity of the earth?

Your pain and struggles
Are like a story to your name
But they do not define your worth
You are not confined
By what you think you don’t and do deserve

Your pain and struggles are real
Press forward, fight the good fight
Because better days are coming
When someday you will no longer feel
The pain and struggles that tried to steal
The meaning of your life

You’ve felt the heaviness
You’ve known the darkness
You’ve seen the blindness
You’ve cried the tears

You survived